Author: OscarC

acw@MIT.EDU wrote:
CONGREGATION AGUDATH ISRAEL OF MONSEY

To address simultaneously two long standing problems in the Orthodox community, the lack of decorum and the lack of funds, our synagogue is pleased to provide you with the following schedule of unacceptable behavior and fines for violations:

BEHAVIOR                                                       FINES
Sleeping during the Rabbi's Drosha                          $   36
        Surcharge for snoring                                   54
Checking watch during Drosha, Rabbi facing your direction       72
Conspicuously reading unrelated Sefer during Drosha            180
Drosha longer than Davening ---------------------------------- 270
Announcements longer than Davening --------------------------- 360
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet -----------------------------  18
Leaving lollipop stick on carpet, candy still attached -------  54
Finish Amidah after Rabbi ------------------------------------  72
Duchening - socks not fresh ---------------------------------- 180
Duchening - no socks ----------------------------------------- 360
Starting the wave -------------------------------------------- 900
Removing the good stuff before throwing the candy bag --------  36
Harmonizing with Baal Tefillah off key -----------------------  36
Singing with Baal Tefillah, different melody -----------------  54
Complaining about the air-conditioning, non-member ----------- 180
Taking seat of person called to Torah ------------------------  72
Taking seat of Rabbi during Drosha --------------------------- 360
   (Fine waived if Drosha is longer than 30 minutes)
Nudging Gabbi for Aliyah within 5 years of last Aliyah -------  36
Kiching person out of your seat (arrival during Mussaf) ------  90
     Surcharge if evictee uses cane --------------------------  90
     Surcharge if evictee uses walker ------------------------ 180
Saving seat for someone coming during Mussaf -----------------  90
Saving a seat for someone you know is not coming ------------- 180
Talking ------------------------------------------------------  36
Talking Lashon Hora ------------------------------------------  54
Talking Lashon Hora, person two seats away can't hear --------  90
Remaining in Shul with crying baby
    First minute ---------------------------------------------  54
    Next 60 minutes ------------------------------------------  72
    Kol Nidre surcharge --------------------------------------  36
Communicating with spouse across the mechitza
    Hand signals ---------------------------------------------  18
    Shouting -------------------------------------------------  36
    Smoke signals (Shabbos) ----------------------------------  54
Placing Tallis in bag before end of davening -----------------  36
Placing someone else's Tallis in your bag --------------------  54
Leaving lipstick imprint on siddur ---------------------------  54
Having a child bring in coat before Aleinu
   1 coat --------------------------------------------------- Free
   2-4 coats -------------------------------------------------  36
   Wrong coat ------------------------------------------------  54
   Wrong child -----------------------------------------------  72

1. Don’t let worry kill you — let the church help.
2. Thursday night – Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
4. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
7. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing, “Put me in My Little Bed” accompanied by the pastor.
9. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.
10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.
11. The service will close with “Little Drops of Water.” One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.
13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
15. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

“On Yom Kippur, we need to search our hearts and recognize our wrongs (the hardest part!), then…ask…forgiveness:

    For the sin which we have committed
        by responding too often,
    And for the sin which we have committed
        by not posting at all when we have something valuable to say;

    For the sin which we have committed
        by responding angrily in haste,
    And for the sin which we have committed
        by posting private email in a public forum;

    For the sin which we have committed
        by misinterpreting others' words,
    And for the sin which we have committed
        by not expressing ourselves clearly;

    For the sin which we have committed
        by being sarcastic to other list members,
    And for the sin which we have committed
        by not being tolerant of their positions;

    For the sin which we have committed
        by not explaining technical terms,
    And for the sin which we have committed
        by assuming others know as much as we do;

    For the sin which we have committed
        by posting announcements directly,
    And for the sin which we have committed
        by posting subscription commands to the list;

    For the sin which we have committed
        by forwarding messages without introduction
    And for the sin which we have committed
        by cross-posting our own messages to many other lists;

    For the sin which we have committed
        by not using an appropriate subject line,
    And for the sin which we have committed
        by having a long .signature file;

    For the sin which we have committed
        by quoting others' posts in their entirety,
    And for the sin which we have committed
        by not providing context to our replies;

    For all of these, Forgiving One,
    Forgive Us, Pardon Us, and Grant Us Atonement."

                         -Mark Frydenberg