Humorous Reminders of Common Writing Mistakes

A selection of advice from generations of Teaching Fellows at Harvard University, edited by Gordon Silverstein.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when you write an essay:

  1. Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read.
  2. Never use no double negatives.
  3. Use the semicolon properly, always where it is appropriate; and never where it is not.
  4. Reserve the apostrophe for it’s proper use and omit it where it is not needed.
  5. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
  6. No sentence fragments.
  7. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
  8. Avoid commas, that are not necessary.
  9. When you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
  10. A writer must not shift your point of view.
  11. Do not overuse exclamation marks!!! (In fact, avoid them whenever possible!!!)
  12. And do not start a sentence with a conjunction.
  13. Place pronouns as closely as possible, especially in long sentences, as of ten or more words, to their antecedents.
  14. Hyphenate only between syllables and avoid un-necessary hyphens.
  15. Write all adverbial forms correct.
  16. Don’t use contractions.
  17. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  18. It is incumbent on us to avoid archaisms.
  19. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  20. Steer clear of incorrect verb forms that have snuck into the language.
  21. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixed metaphors.
  22. Avoid modernisms that sound flaky.
  23. Avoid barbarisms: they impact too forcefully.
  24. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
  25. Everyone should be careful to use singular pronouns with singular nouns in their writing.
  26. If we’ve told you once, we’ve told you a thousand times: avoid hyperbole.
  27. Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
  28. Do not string a large number of prepositional phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
  29. Always pick on the the correct idiom.
  30. “Avoid overuse of ‘quotation’ ‘marks.'”
  31. Never use more words than are necessary to get your point across: be concise.
  32. Awayz check you’re spelling. (Your spellchecker would only pick up one of the two errors here.)
  33. Always be avoided by the passive voice.
  34. Every sentence a verb.
  35. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague: seek viable alternatives.

Les Miserables meets Silicon Valley

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: steph@scottrell.com (Stephanie Cottrell Bryant)
Subject: Les Miserables meets Silicon Valley
Date: Mon, 16 Jul 2001 19:30:00 PDT

Empty Chairs at Empty Cubicles

[sung to the tune of “Empty Chairs at Empty Tables” from Les Miserables]

There’s a grief that can’t be spoken.
There’s a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty cubicles,
My friends logged out and gone.

Here they talked of great stock options.
Here it was they bought domains.
Here they sang about stock splitting,
And those stock splits never came.

From the office on the corner,
They could see a world reborn,
And they rose with servers pinging–
I can hear them now,
The very jobs that they obsessed
Became their last downsizing
On the quarterly report at dawn!

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me.
That I’m employed and you are gone.
There’s a grief that can’t be spoken,
There’s a pain from that dot-com.

Phantom servers on the network,
Phantom logins at the port,
Empty chairs at empty cubicles,
Where my friends will code no more.

Oh my friends, my friends, don’t ask me
What your IPO was for.
Empty chairs at empty cubicles,
Where my friends will code no more.

Star Trek & UUCP

Kirk: What is the meaning of this attack?
Khan: Surely I have made my meaning clear. I mean to avenge myself upon you, Admiral. I deprived your system of UUCP connections and when I swing around I mean to deprive you of your life. But I wanted you to know who it was who had beaten you.
Kirk: Khan, if it’s me you want, I’ll have myself rcp’ed over. Spare my crew.
Khan: I make you a counter-proposal. I’ll agree to your terms, if … if in addition to yourself you hand over to me all data and materials regarding the project called UUNET.
Kirk: UUNET? What’s that?
Khan: Don’t insult my intelligence, Kirk.
Kirk: Give me some time to recall the data from our archives.
Khan: I give you sixty seconds.
Kirk: Clear the bridge.
Spock: At least we know he doesn’t have UUNET.
Kirk: Keep nodding as though I’m still giving orders. Mr. Saavik, punch up the data charts of Reliant’s password file.
Saavik: Reliant’s pass…
Kirk: Hurry.
Khan: Forty-five seconds Admiral.
Spock: The free login?
Kirk: It’s all we’ve got.
Saavik: File’s up, sir.
Khan: Admiral.
Kirk: We’re finding it.
Khan: Admiral. Kirk: Please. Please you’ve got to give us time. The machine room is smashed, the editors inoperable.
Khan: Time is a luxury you don’t have, Admiral.
Kirk: Damn.
Khan: Admiral?
Kirk: It’s coming through now, Khan.
Spock: Reliant’s free login is 16309.
Saavik: I don’t understand.
Kirk: You have to learn why things work on a UNIX system.
Spock: Each system has its own hidden free login.
Kirk: To prevent an enemy from doing what we’re attempting. We’re using our console to order Reliant to let us login.
Spock: Assuming he hasn’t changed the combination. He’s quite intelligent.
Khan: Fifteen seconds, Admiral.
Kirk: Khan, how do we know you’ll keep your word?
Khan: Oh, I’ve given you no word to keep, Admiral. In my judgement, you simply have no alternative.
Kirk: I see your point. Stand by to receive our mail message. Mr. Sulu, lock an Internet connection on target and await my order to login.
Sulu: Connection pending.
Khan: Time’s up, Admiral.
Kirk: Here it comes. Now, Mr. Spock.
Spock: % telnet reliant
Trying...
Connected to reliant.
Escape character is '~'.

M-6 Duotronic
U.S.S. Reliant, NCC-1864
login:
Spock: login: 16309
%
Joachim: Sir, the Enterprise is logging on.
Khan: Kill them.
Joachim: I can’t!
Khan: Where’s the chroot call? The chroot call!
Kirk: Fire.
Sulu: % su
#
Kirk: Fire!
Sulu: # rm -rf /
Khan: Reboot, reboot!
Joachim: We can’t reboot!
Khan: Why can’t you!?
Joachim: They’ve corrupted the file system and the /etc directory! Sir, we must power-cycle.
Khan: No!
Joachim: Sir, we must!

And the rest is (ahem) history.

Only Lost One Game

<pre>Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: glbanks@fly.hiwaay.net (Gordon Banks)
Date: Thu, 14 Dec 95 4:30:09 EST</pre>

At our annual company picnic, the advertising department always played a game of softball with the editorial department. This year the ad dept won, 8-4. But on the company bulletin board the next morning was the following notice.

The Editorial Dept. is proud to announce that upon the conclusion of this year’s softball tournament, we finished in second place overall, having lost only one game the entire season.

We would also like to take this opportunity to offer our condolences to the Ad Dept’s team for finishing next to last, having won only one game during the entire year.

Why cats are better than babies

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
From: dcohen@paul.rutgers.edu (Dawn Myfanwy Cohen)
Subject: Cat owners will agree...
Date: Wed, 8 Mar 95 4:30:01 EST

I’ve known a number of people who told me that they were really eager to have babies. Having a spouse or good job would be ok, too, but what they were really after was the babies. I never understood the attraction for a long time, but then it hit me. They must want babies like I wanted a cat. (Until recently I lived in a dormitory, where people of the furry persuasion are the subject of intense discrimination.) Though I now understand the feelings of those who have the unfulfilled cravings of the existence of another living creature in the house, I feel it my duty to point out the flaws in their reasoning.

Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:

10. Veterinarians have evening hours.

9. Your kitten won’t be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don’t even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don’t, you don’t even’t have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.

8. Your kitten won’t grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.

7. Kittens look cute if they haven’t had a bath this month.

6. You probably don’t have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten’s college (or high school) education.

5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don’t want to breast feed your kitten.

4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.

3. Dan Quayle can’t accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren’t married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.

2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.

And the Number 1 reason:

1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.

Why babies are better than cats

Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Re: Cat owners will agree...
From: ianb@netcom.com (Ian Barkley-Yeung)
Date: Thu, 30 Mar 95 4:30:03 EST

Kittens, better than babies? Hah! Here now are the top eleven reasons why babies are better than kittens (and, as any five-year-old will tell you, more reasons makes my list better. Nyah! Nyah! Nyah!)

11) Babies are rarely known to shed on furniture.

10) No one’s allergic to a baby.

9) Having a kitten in the car doesn’t let you drive in the carpool lane.

8) An exercise program you can really stick with… that you have to stick with, whether you like it or not…

7) With a kitten, you don’t get to watch otherwise normal adults making silly faces, jumping up and down, talking nonsense in a high pitched voice, and generally making fools of themselves. Hours of fun!

6) For an initial investment of a camera and few pieces of film, you can convince baby’s grandparents to buy the kid all the cute but expensive clothes, toys, furniture, and major appliances s/he will ever need — a good photographer can buy nothing but diapers for a year. Cats never buy their grandkittens anything.

5) Babies don’t have fleas. Babies don’t give you fleas.

4) Free pregnancy/labor horror story with each baby. Commensurate with other mothers! Scare newly-pregnant friends! Get your husband to do twice the housework for months!

3) Two words: Tax deduction

2) Childbirth — the greatest crash diet ever! Lose 20 pounds in one day — and keep it off, too!

And the number one reason babies are better than kittens:

1) Kittens never grow up to look at you and say “I love you, Daddy”.

[original to me]

-Ian Barkley-Yeung
Proud Parent of Stephen Skyler Barkley-Yeung — cutest baby in history!

C Compiler Errors (For Real)

From: tjc@castle.edinburgh.ac.uk (A J Cunningham)

These are some of the error messages produced by Apple’s MPW C compiler. These are all real. (If you must know I was bored one afternoon and decompiled the String resources for the compiler.) The compiler is 324k in size so these are just an excerpt I hope. I’m not sure where I stand on the copyright issue.

Tony Cunningham

“String literal too long (I let you have 512 characters, that’s 3 more than ANSI said I should)”

“…And the lord said, ‘lo, there shall only be case or default labels inside a switch statement'”

“a typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program”

“‘Volatile’ and ‘Register’ are not miscible”

“You can’t modify a constant, float upstream, win an argument with the IRS, or satisfy this compiler”

“This struct already has a perfectly good definition”

“type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don’t care, I’m just trying to annoy you)”

“Can’t cast a void type to type void (because the ANSI spec. says so, that’s why)”

“Huh ?”

“can’t go mucking with a ‘void *'”

“we already did this function”

“This label is the target of a goto from outside of the block containing this label AND this block has an automatic variable with an initializer AND your window wasn’t wide enough to read this whole error message”

“Call me paranoid but finding ‘/*’ inside this comment makes me suspicious”

“Too many errors on one line (make fewer)”

“Symbol table full – fatal heap error; please go buy a RAM upgrade from your local Apple dealer”

Christmas humor

/* Written 10:10 pm Dec 12, 1994 by tadpole@coke.imsa.EDU in pepsi:unix.tips */
[sing]

better !pout !cry
better watchout
telnet why
santa claus <north pole >town

cat/etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > no_gift_list
cat list | grep nice > gift_list
santa claus <north pole >town

who | grep sleeping
who | awake
who | egrep ‘bad|good’
for ( goodness sake) {
be good
/* End of text from pepsi:unix.tips */

If architects had to work like programmers

Dear Mr. Architect:

Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.

My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.

Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don’t have nearly enough insulation in them).

As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)

Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.

To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.

Please don’t bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.

Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself. Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.

While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.

I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor’s house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.

Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.

You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can’t happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.

PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I’ve given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can’t handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.

PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.

Kosher

Why I eat meals with milk and meat:

Dialogue while Moses is at the top of Sinai….

God: And remember Moses, in the laws of keeping Kosher, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk. It is cruel.

Moses: Ohhhhhh! So you are saying we should never eat milk and meat together.

G: No, what I’m saying is, never cook a calf in its mother’s milk.

M: Oh, Lord forgive my ignorance! What you are really saying is we should wait six hours after eating meat to eat milk so the two are not in our stomachs.

G: No, Moses, what I’m saying is, don’t cook a calf in its mother’s milk!!!

M: Oh, Lord! Please don’t strike me down for my stupidity! What you mean is we should have a separate set of dishes for milk and a separate set for meat and if we make a mistake we have to bury that dish outside….

G: Moses, go do whatever the hell you want….